live forever, for the moment.

Essentially failure is not an option.
I was told as a kid that I could make all my dreams come true, and be anything I wanted to be. I know what I want to do, I want to save souls. I've always had an ear for listening and sound advice I lived by. As for what that makes me 'be', I'm not too sure.

I'm stuck in a place where I've always been the main set of ears for so many people, that now when I need some, no one is around to listen. It's like being tossed aside. While others are living life I'm spiraling down into this struggle that no one sees, and no one hears about because everyone else is floating on top and they don't have the time.

Digressing back to dreams and failure. I can't find a way to translate my once upon a time dreams to reality, to the here and now. My current dreams consist of consecutive nightmares, it's an odd assortment of fear and beauty wrapped into one. It's twisted how a dream can start so wonderfully, turn to nightmare then end on a bittersweet beautiful note. It starts with the simple memory of swinging on a swing set, warm breeze, no shoes - the type of poignant memory that lasts a lifetime. One of those moments where you look back and think 'it's okay my mother never took me to chuck E cheese, I had that moment.' One in which the individual truly feels blessed. No worries of the future, no what if's, nothing. Going nowhere fast, but not spinning in circles. Seriously, is there anything better then swings? I just don't think so.

Then the sky starts swirling vivid colours of blue and purple, intertwining and closing in. That's when everything goes black and white. I'm not even sure why my world seems to go black and white when it tumbles down. I have every reason to blame the movie Pleasentville. A hidden mask of wonderful. Suppressing the darkest fear, hoping that never turns into a version of reality. Hiding your real self behind the mask of a housewife, always food on the table, always a smile on the face. Never acknowledging that there is so much more from life to be gained. Accepting that that's it. That is your life and it always will be.

The dream-mare ends up with a canvas. One that starts with black and white, then grey, then I find a pale yellow somewhere, and I feel myself lighting up and I start to create colour after colour, and suddenly - the complete picture. A girl on a swing set with a smile of truth of her face and a glint in her eye. Going nowhere fast, but not going in circles. Warmth spreads and pleasentville has colour once again. Weird. I know. To bring a sense of reality to it, my favourite painting is a boy and girl on a swing surrounded by trees, using the palest of colours and strokes. It truly shows love and happiness. I have a poster of this painting in my room.

Failing pulls the heaviest weight down onto us. Especially unforseen failure. Unexpected. You think you are doing alright, giving it your all. Until someone tells you that you are wrong. That you are failing and crashing and that top knotch you were giving, isn't enough. I'm not about to spread myself thin, but at the same time, failure is not an option. I've messed up a lot recently, a lot of damaged relationships surrounding selfishness. I need to be about me, I need to fight for me, because if I don't - who will? It wont tickle everyones fancy but I've learned the hard way that you can't please anyone. As long as I'm doing what is okay for me and keeping the long term damage to a minimum alongside the expectations - then I'm completely golden. Although, this whole mind set is easier said then done. I'm pulling myself out of that spiral and holding on tightly to my reality. To my memory of swinging in the wind. I'm kicking off my shoes and feeling the cool sand. My favorite month has officially begun and good things are being brought in with the wind. I can feel it.