Something did change-

it was me.


It never ceases to amaze me how foolishly I believe in people.
Believe they're good in heart and mind.
I delude myself into trusting people blindly.

It always made me sad- seeing movies and shows where a character has no one.
Where they trust the wrong people.
They assume certain people will always be there to listen, and love.
It's all a delusion.

We mature, and then we go backwards.
Reversibility. Use it or lose it.
It's the same with our hearts.
Use them or lose them.

I've apparently lost mine, along with the ability to care.
Go on and be childish girl, I'm not fighting back this time.

cuz baby if you're looking for heaven it sure as hell aint me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b31jx08y6To&feature=related

a restless roamer..

.. and I can't have you by my side.

Fare thee well.

Fare thee well love.

Far away, you must go.

Take my heart.

Take my heart will we never meet again no more.

It just keeps coming closer and closer.

I hate June.

Way back playback..

.. don't read into this. It's oddly comforting but only because of the time of my life it resembles.

* Small simple safe price

rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets

this is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals.

And I am not afraid to die.

I'm not afraid to bleed, and f*** and fight.

I want the pain of payment.

What's left but a section of pygmy sized cuts-

much like a slew of a thousand unwanted f***s

would you be my little cut?

would you be my thousand f***s?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad sorry selfish cry out to the cutter,

I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a f***ing knife!*

Look at me.

Look at me now!

I don't even care.

I'll be the last train..

home.

It is so completely strange to read old emails. My brain does this weird thing- when I say "I forgive" it's usually followed by "... but I'll never forget". Turns out. I will. Completely.

I never fully believed that history repeats itself until this very moment. I never fully believed that I was that person to you. Or that you viewed things that way. You begged me to forgive you of all the little "mistakes" and I always did while piling on the weight to your shoulders. I was halfway around the world and had you wrapped around my thumb. Then came home, did my typical 'run far away from a complicated situation', and straight into someone else arms. With a detour along the way. I then vowed to myself that "this is it", "no more running". I put up with bullshit excuses, bullshit fights, and bullshit lies. I got a taste of my own medicine. A self-destructing person that gets tangled in their own world and fails to see the effects of the people surrounding them. For this reason, I have nothing but negative things to say about this former boyfriend of mine. I did, however, get a taste of the self-destructing ways I had in previous relationships, if you want to call it that. People tell me not to take so many things and hold it against myself. But in retrospect, it was solely my fault.

It surprises me how much love is in those emails. Something I never saw, even when I was 16. A stupid kid wailing out 'Taking back sunday' lyrics on a bench with you. There are so many little things from our friendship from those days that we take with us, that we completely ignore all the negative. The trust that was lost and regained. People asked me why you were always forgiven, no questions asked. I finally figured it out. It's not due to some crazy, unexplained love or lust or anything along those lines. It's because that's all I've ever known. We wouldn't talk for months and it was always me coming back. It was foreign at first, you being the one to apologize. That I remember. Now it's just all out of wack - one of us always does. It is its own destructive situation in itself. Our 'relationship' could never be defined. Those who tried to keep up, usually gave up quickly and walked away scratching their heads for some logical explanation. But nothing about us is logical. Which is why, at this moment, I say (completely assured) we're better off this way. That being said - this is usually the outcome until history repeats itself.

We're all older now. A little bit wiser. A little more bruised and battered. Outcomes have the potential to be catastrophic. I don't plan to be around for that. Take myself out of the situation (as usual).

Additionally, I have realized I never give anyone the opportunity to choose. If I feel like it's me vs someone else I always tap out. I guess that's the fight or flight debate. I always choose flight. That's not a surprise. I went to frickin England!! So no, you never had to choose. I would and will never let you. I don't know where it comes from. They say you can stem it back to childhood, but no explanation comes to mind.

Nostalgia at it's finest. Mixed with wine is never a good idea.

So this is to all three of you-

I broke one heart.

I disappointed another.

And confused the crap out of the last.

For that, I am sorry. History wont repeat itself this time. I wont let it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3AmY5HXzgA

I break in two over you..

.. I break in two and each piece of me dies.

Only you can give the breath of life.

But you don't see me.

you don't.

I break in two over you.

***

If I lay here - will you lie with me,

and just forget the world.

let's waste time

chasing cars

around our heads.

***

I keep searching reflections, doing double takes and being more neurotic then usual. Hoping each time that I see a glimpse of you.

They say that glass is the best reflection for that. Sometimes you see the green of an eye, or a shimmer of hair. So far, nothing.

Was that all life was to you?

Something to get through and then forget.

Or are most doubts correct?

There is really nothing there. No one watching over and listening to prayers.

I've prayed and wished for the same thing over and over.

Nothing has helped. Nothing has been proven.

I used to think I knew it all.

I know now that I don't know anything.

I may never know anything -

and my crazed control-freak of a personality has to live with that.

Only problem is I'm not so sure I can.

***

I need your grace

to remind me

to find my own.

you'll add my name to a long list of traitors-

... who don't understand, and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said "run as fast as you can!"

I wish I was here - .

Such a glorious place. Not a drop of rain, sunshine everyday.

It's difficult looking back. Always. What I wouldn't give to change some of my priceless endeavors.

Some of my stories - wishing they weren't mine. I don't want to star in my own play. I hate the thought of people judging me, and a lot of my history creates rightfully deserved judgement.

It makes us who we are, but through out my collection I changed. Compromising became the only way. I just never realized I was compromising myself, while you gave up nothing. Not even the toilet paper.

I see it, now that you're gone. I see the things I did that I wouldn't normally do. The things I said that were so foreign and out of character. Ignoring and avoiding some of my biggest influences because I let you take their place.

Blindly believed lies you told me about friends, life and your history.

I'm not bitter. You're just another story. I allowed it to happen.

I gave up. I sailed to my own wind for so long I thought it'd be nice to follow someone elses coattails.

You had nothing for me to follow. You made minimal effort. I still followed. I played house. I played breadmaker. I played daft. Really all that was happening was I was slowly dwindling down into nothingness. Loosing myself into being you're double. Day and night. I forced myself to dim into your darkness.

I needed help and an ear to listen and instead I became your ear and silenced my own voice.

I don't blame you for letting go.

You truthfully did me a huge favour.

You let me be me without you.

I could never hate you for that.

I learned a valuable lesson. It's too easy to give up, roll over and play dead. It's too easy to disappear into another world. I was unsure of everything, and even now looking back and knowing the lies you admitted to, I still don't know what part of "us" was real.

I melted our hands.

It was glorious.

That's my secret.