so what if it hurts me?

...so what if I break down?

"Men are rats! Worse then that! They’re fleas on rats! Worse then that! They’re amoebas on fleas on rats! They’re too low for even the dogs to bite. The only man a girl can trust is her daddy." - Frenchy, Grease

I don't exactly agree to this, except for the last bit. I mean, we need men to open pickle jars, repopulate the earth and most importantly, carry us over the threshold according to society. I don't exactly agree to this either. Men are men, women are women. We all make mistakes, we all experience pain to mind numbing degrees, and we all know how to laugh.
It's when the humour fails that pain is exposed. Without humour my life dumbs down to a whole lot of nothingness. If I can't express humour in a situation I know it means one thing. RUN.

I have amazing fight or flight reflexes. More like struggle or run, and more often then not I chose run. Right now, I can't run. There's no where to go. I'm not chained down. It's more like something of an experiment of strength. If I can handle the worst here, I can enjoy the best here. It's not the worst, situations I get myself into, it's more like a glitch. The good news is there is enough people I know, love and care about that I can appreciate that when one person falls it's not entirely up to them to get themselves back up. I'm in tunnel vision, flaked with red. I have been able to remove myself and watch from above and because of this, I can think clearly. I've been prepared by the best, I have already gone through all possible outcomes weeks ago in consultations and I've morphed my mind to this person that can love and appreciate from afar. I am able to take a step back and breathe, which is always a talent and important in life. I am visualizing that stop sign, and not only am I stopping myself, I am stopping myself from feeling that pain. You know the mind numbing one, the one that you feel when you are immobile in this spiral downwards, and you feel paralyzed, face stuck in the screaming pose and somehow every move you make is the wrong one. Not anymore.

I am so thankful for a mother that is able to step outside of herself, outside of the roles we've played for so long and be an inbetweener. Not a friend, but not a mother. Someone who is able to share the wisdom of herself and her experiences, and put everything into words that she knows I will grasp and understand. It's a connection only we could share as there is so much of herself reflected in me. She has let me make my mistakes and persevered. Sometimes saying too much, sometimes maybe not enough. Lately, like Goldilocks and her Bears, it's been just right. It's just what I needed, and I am able to remove myself from a tangled web I no longer had any interest in being in. Expression is an interesting thing, and I have so much in me left, that I'm interested to find new ways to channel it into something new. See where it leads.
Among all this I am yet again starting the excruciating world of handing out resumes and picking life back up after my hiatus of sorts. It's a baby step process that starts today, and I feel like this past week has done nothing if not prepared me to get out and expand myself. There are experiences to be had, more memories to be made, and while they all rest on this tomb of sadness, it is something that I need to do. I can't sit around and do nothing. That is neither productive or effective. Instead of running, I've decided to just keep moving. Keep myself busy and see what comes of it. Who knows, I may invent the next ground breaking gadget. No one would see that coming!

I am also so thankful for a certain female best friend. She has been tossed around in others opinions, unfairly and unjustified. It's a beautiful mess, this thing we're all living daily, but the strength some people have never ceases to amaze me. It's making others laugh when you yourself want to curl into a ball and cry. It's going to events you have no interest in because you know the details of someones life and understand that being there immediately makes it better. It's always making someone comfortable when they're living in a land where comfortable seems like a foreign word and unknown. It's spreading yourself thin to please those important to you and still finding it in you to help another along the way. Thank you for being misunderstood and dealing with it in stride. For always having a smile on your face and an ear to listen. I knew I was keeping you around for a reason!!

This past week has had it's glitches and it's had its usual newness of being somewhere else. Even though I've been here many times before, each time is a little bit different. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a few times I wanted to rip out my hair, but the laughs have outweighed everything else by far. Driving here there and everywhere to connect with lost or hazy connections, and the amount of support and love I've found along the way, the amount of people who are willing to share the least bit of knowledge about a job lead, or a course in university, writing my online resume, or writing it with their spectacular layouts, I am blown away by the support. It's the silver lining to look for when you're suffering tunnel vision and are caught up in a bubble that doesn't need to be as big as it is. I was saving my sharing of knowledge for a raining day, I now know that raining day isn't going to come.

The outcomes have hurt, they've shocked and I was completely turned around about a person I thought I knew. The depths one is willing to go.. I am completely convinced it was done out of a strange mixture of hurt and something else. "Evil actions do not equal an evil person." Don't misunderstand, I am not calling anyone evil or even saying anyone committed evil actions. I am saying, I understand. When the situation was reversed I did the exact same thing, and I'm not going to start pointing fingers, or calling names. I'm pretty far past that. So far past, that this is my last goodbye. It's been said that certain goodbyes hold no weight. This one does. Clearly it's time for some space and time for healing. It's a done deal, been dropped for a while now, but not completely. It's hard to let go, to let silence fill what was once filled with something else. "It'll be okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end." Finally, I'm okay.