& I'm waiting..

...for the perfect time to start participating.

Trust is this little thin doily that intertwines itself in our society. Our communities are based on it, or better yet - based on the lack of it.
We lock our doors at night, we look over our shoulder, and we always look for reasons to not believe someone.
We aren't born this way. As infants we enter the world as a clean slate. Unknowing of the world around us except for our immediate experiences. How many times does a person have to be lied to before they realize it's a corrupt world.
To become fully jaded is incredibly hard. It means that one has given up all faith, has lost all hope and just gave up on the world.
When this happens what do we turn to? Booze makes it better, true. What about those we hope to have faith in us? What if no one is there?
I understand the pain one has when holding the entire world on their shoulders. I know what it's like to live a life of roller coasters. To sit back and watch it al unroll right infront of your eyes, helpless to stop it. I've watched so many situations occur without stepping up and saying my mind. I've been walked on, I've walked on others. I walked a mile in another person shoes and hated what I found.
Our lives are different. We all have different reasons to be jaded. There are moments when we struggle to find it in us to carry on, much less help others carry on.
I've done all I can do with so many things. All that's left to do is smile and wait out the storm.
Lately, things have been carefree. It's been amazing. But then there are those damn christmas songs, talking (or rather singing) about hope and forgiveness and looking the other way and people reuniting for the holidays. I have one wish for christmas, and unfortunately it isn't forgiveness. I still can't bring myself to do that. I fear it's hypocrisy to listen and appreciate christmas songs when my life is minus some previous important factors, but I've come to see that it's not hypocrisy- it's the fact that I'm jaded. My doily is filled with too many holes, and trust is something that is completely gone. In so many ways. I'm still living and it's been great, but that doubt is rooted way too deeply.
Christmas madness starts tomorrow for me and doesn't end until after New Years. Blessings to you all, have the happiest holidays! Be safe but let every moment soak in.
Cheers!