It takes something more this time..

... then sweet sweet lies.


Before I open up my arms and fall
loosing all control
every dream inside my soul.


Ain't this life so sweet.

The line between smart and not so smart is a thin one for me. I'm a classic 'foot-in-mouth'er. There are times when the voice in your head says "WHAT THE HELL!! STOP! ABORT MISSION!" I've ignored said voice for so long it's merely a whisper. And ignoring that whisper leaves me scarred everytime. I'm the one that's left thinking - what have I done?
I wish I could take solace in it and tag it as being "blunt" as some do. Or at least accept being classified as a grade-A bitch.
Instead I just consider it being inconsiderate and disrespectful. Usually only to myself.

I create my own boundaries and lines and constantly break them. I create my own beautiful letdowns. So gracefully done no one even notices me self destructing until I'm left lifeless on the floor, smile still plastered on my face.
I mask it wonderfully and it's so well executed it's award worthy.

Right now I am pre-meltdown. Well, let's be honest. I've been taking leaps rather then steps and have thought of no consequences and just did things the way they are stereotypically done. One of the least stereotypical personalities following in line, thinking of grandchildren and telling life stories. Only issue would be the whole having to do life things to have life stories. This blank, lifelessness doesn't create life stories. It barely gets a passing grade. It's not performing to the best of your abilities. It's showing up and barely staying awake.

If we're being honest we could say the meltdown has been growing since june. If we were being honest we could say that realistically the meltdown should have come at a much earlier date, and distracting myself by creating lines and boundaries have kept me from said meltdown. Then we could say that consistently breaking my own expectations for myself could add to the meltdown, and then setting up more lines and giving myself a bit more hope could contribute to the "sanity"

I could say that great losses sometimes need to be had. I used to tell my kids at camp that God takes people when the timing is right. How are we to know if great pain was in store for someone and God saved them from that. They always used to ask - but why now?
Eff if I know kids. Is what I should of said. Rather, I responded with a 'time will tell" "all lessons take a while, so they can become lessons"

If that's the case what's my lesson? The fact that I can steer myself in a wholey different direction and can redirect my pain into boundaries and lines? I keep my time scheduled and everything will be okay? I can just drop certain friends and not ever have a feeling about it?
No, because feelings lead to meltdowns. Not feeling leads to no expectations, no being disappointed, and inevitably no meltdown.

The best trappers are the ones who aren't scared of being nicked in the process.
A dr once said that to me and then followed up with "and this one is our very best trapper" (in regards to catching feral cats and not getting attacked)

truth is death isn't so scary. Not in a please send me to a suicidal hotline asap. You can call off the bridge watch. Death is just an end. An end to a beginning we were given, not asked for. Death is the finale and if you're a tv fan - finales happen. Sometimes we may not be happy with the ride at the end, sometimes we don't like the twists and sometimes we don't get all the answers. It's hard to live with that but if you're breathing - you're living. It's hard, but you're also surviving. So you're doing something right. Somedays are just hard days.

Lately, I've been having a lot.
That's all.