It is so completely strange to read old emails. My brain does this weird thing- when I say "I forgive" it's usually followed by "... but I'll never forget". Turns out. I will. Completely.
I never fully believed that history repeats itself until this very moment. I never fully believed that I was that person to you. Or that you viewed things that way. You begged me to forgive you of all the little "mistakes" and I always did while piling on the weight to your shoulders. I was halfway around the world and had you wrapped around my thumb. Then came home, did my typical 'run far away from a complicated situation', and straight into someone else arms. With a detour along the way. I then vowed to myself that "this is it", "no more running". I put up with bullshit excuses, bullshit fights, and bullshit lies. I got a taste of my own medicine. A self-destructing person that gets tangled in their own world and fails to see the effects of the people surrounding them. For this reason, I have nothing but negative things to say about this former boyfriend of mine. I did, however, get a taste of the self-destructing ways I had in previous relationships, if you want to call it that. People tell me not to take so many things and hold it against myself. But in retrospect, it was solely my fault.
It surprises me how much love is in those emails. Something I never saw, even when I was 16. A stupid kid wailing out 'Taking back sunday' lyrics on a bench with you. There are so many little things from our friendship from those days that we take with us, that we completely ignore all the negative. The trust that was lost and regained. People asked me why you were always forgiven, no questions asked. I finally figured it out. It's not due to some crazy, unexplained love or lust or anything along those lines. It's because that's all I've ever known. We wouldn't talk for months and it was always me coming back. It was foreign at first, you being the one to apologize. That I remember. Now it's just all out of wack - one of us always does. It is its own destructive situation in itself. Our 'relationship' could never be defined. Those who tried to keep up, usually gave up quickly and walked away scratching their heads for some logical explanation. But nothing about us is logical. Which is why, at this moment, I say (completely assured) we're better off this way. That being said - this is usually the outcome until history repeats itself.
We're all older now. A little bit wiser. A little more bruised and battered. Outcomes have the potential to be catastrophic. I don't plan to be around for that. Take myself out of the situation (as usual).
Additionally, I have realized I never give anyone the opportunity to choose. If I feel like it's me vs someone else I always tap out. I guess that's the fight or flight debate. I always choose flight. That's not a surprise. I went to frickin England!! So no, you never had to choose. I would and will never let you. I don't know where it comes from. They say you can stem it back to childhood, but no explanation comes to mind.
Nostalgia at it's finest. Mixed with wine is never a good idea.
So this is to all three of you-
I broke one heart.
I disappointed another.
And confused the crap out of the last.
For that, I am sorry. History wont repeat itself this time. I wont let it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3AmY5HXzgA
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