Goodbye my friend-
Dreams are a funny funny thing. Fantasies, nightmares, daydreams... All a funny funny thing.
Whenever a fantasy comes true it seems to be haunted by nightmares, then the nightmares start to come true and then what? What do you do when you're walking in a living nightmare. I'm not talking about things that 'go bump in the night'. I'm talking about heartaches, let downs, and disappointments.
I used to have this fantasy when I was younger that Lance Bass would just appear in Wingham for multiple reasons, run down bus seemed to be the most popular, he sees me walking down the street and decides I'm the girl of his dreams. I was only 12 or 13 at the time so naturally he waited for me to get a bit older as to not cause a scandal. Unfortunately, with his status this will never happen. This was one of those dreams that happened every night for a month.
I like to think it was my inner conscious telling me that the nice guys will notice the innocent. What happens when you can't classify the guy though? Or there's a nice guy but you feel like another girl has claimed his heart long ago? It's hard to diminish jealous thoughts, but it's even harder when you have reoccurring dreams that border nightmares and intertwine with this jealousy thing, and then things start to reveal themselves in reality.
There are moments on clarity where I see the next 5 years played out. Then the lines fuzz up and it shifts over to another route and I can see those 5 years. Then it fuzzes up again and I see nothing. It's the path I took for England really, doing something completely unknown. Happiness is a gamble in the unknown and you can't guarantee success or anything else for that matter. In the last few years of my life I've loved the idea of the unknown, it's like that dropping feeling on a roller coaster and I love and crave that feeling. In that case though there is no safety net. There's no taking back the damage from the other paths.
I just stopped today and thought of how I got myself into all these messes and then I realize it's my vision. I've only been looking for immediate gratification and only looking at the present rather then the future. These choices that are laid on the table before me are all about the future and I need to fix my vision there while appreciating the present because I don't want to miss a second of it, but I can't always think of the here and now, especially when there is so much at stake. I'm not the kind to want to ruin someone but somedays I feel like a disease that seeps in and takes everything. I don't know how or why, it just happens, and I can see it happening and I've got stop it.
I have no regrets in my life. Maybe some minor 'oopsies' moments (okay a LOT of those) but nothing I've ever severely wanted to take back, and I hope to continue on that path at least. I know in my heart I wont regret any decisions I make. Maybe take away some of the pain they may cause others, but with the lack of regrets in mind, I'm confident that whichever decision I make will lead to what's best for me at the time.
There's a nice, not so verbal, spiel about a whole lot of cryptic things. Wish me luck!!
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