There is something about goodbyes that make my stomach twist into figure 8 follow through knots! (Like that one CUI? I'm so talented) Looming goodbyes, long morrows, departing words, it all just sucks. The worst is that feeling of "I have NO idea when I'm going to see this person again." It should be something I'm used to after working 2 years in a typically seasonal job, people come and go from all over the world. You literally never know when you're going to see them again. I can't help thinking, what about those goodbyes left unsaid. The unexpected end you didn't plan for. So many songs talk about how the end can come so quick, we never see it coming, if you could live one more day what would you do? Tell your loved ones you love them? Say your goodbyes? At least then you get to say it. A vast unknown is horrifying, and it's multiplied when you have no idea when you're going to next see a person. It's all a guessing game, that can turn unfair and cruel at a moments notice.
I've written all about fears of the future and things, typed ears off, really.
I'm starting to feel the anxiety of goodbyes. I'm so terrible at them that I can cry just from remembering one. No matter how unemotional or emotional.
One of my favorite movies opening lines is "Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks. "
It's one of those lines that have stuck with me, there are so many 'last looks'.. a last look can break your heart. And this would be why a lady wears sunglasses for it, and why mine were plastered to my head the few days leading up to my departure from Canada. A last look can be anything from wishful, to sad, to incredulous, to angry, to ecstatic. There are so many. It's the looks that say all the words you can't that kill me. I try not to give these looks but I know I've slipped a few times. The words hold empty promised, but looks never lie. Eyes can give a person away, and some people just have those eyes, you know, it's like a life story waiting to pour out. I think that may be why I'm so genuinely interested in people, any kind of people, but I see their eyes and I can tell when someone is dying to talk, and then it's just so easy. You get a nice little earful but you can hear the most profound things at moments like these. Life lessons passed on, wisdom to be shared. It's incredible. I just wish the empty promises didn't come hand in hand with these looks. I wish word of mouth wasn't so strong, and I wish you knew that I know. Everything. Your spunk isn't as sneaky as you seem to think, and though I can't see your eyes I still know you through and through, and love you for it. There isn't a need to hide things from someone who has been through it all with you. That's why we have life long friends, there's no need to explain the history of things, and it's possible to land in comfortable silences, and just lay there not needing to say a word. I wish you hadn't broken that promise, and I'm still suffering those consequences of unwavering faith and trust, and I'm still wishing the situation had been different, but I'm willing to make lemonade.
There's my thing I never thought I'd say..
If tomorrow is the end, what's yours?
xxo
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