Light up, light up, as if you have a choice -

even when you cannot hear my voice I'll be right beside you dear.





From a mixture of different influences I live my life with a constant narrator in my head. A witty one at that, but annoying none the less. Not like that story with Will Farrell where the writer is writing his life, more like Sex and the City meets Everwood. Reflections, questions, sorting of thoughts. Even when I go to bed, that voice is there. I like to think I'm not crazy, just a means of sorting my head out. When I write things out it's like my head narrator is doing it for me, my thoughts get even more sorted and I'm able to type almost clearly and sometimes even eloquently! First off, I need to say I'm sorry. I've been wrong and I will be wrong again. I've made mistakes and I will make them again. The people that stand by me are my strength, they are my motivation and they are the reason I breathe today. The people that forget about me will eventually be forgotten, because really, what's the use in continuing on something in your mind and heart that another is not? It's not a friendship or anything else because friendship is give and take, and I'm not just there for convenience.

Loyalty is healthy. Loyalty is a huge thing for me. I can't help but think of misplaced loyalty. Biased loyalty, if you will. A lot of my friends and I share common values and beliefs, share like morals and ideas on life. Obviously, there's differing lines otherwise people wouldn't be the unique beings we are. There are different levels of loyalty, and I do believe some people take it too far. Is it weird that I take a bit of pride in that? That someone would care so much about someone else they would swear off a person just for doing their loved ones wrong? Is that a sign of how much the wronged person is cared for? Yes, inevitably, it could cause a lot of problems depending on the differing situations, but until that point comes I shamelessly pride my friends for their stubbornness and willingness to stand by me no matter what the situation.

I know I've been gone, for what seems like forever, but I'm here now waiting

I went on an indepth self tour of the Hereford Cathedral. Absolutely amazing experience! They have lists of workers at the church dating back to the 1500's and bits of the church that is from when it was first built. I went on my search and still found a ton of emptiness. I lit of candle of healing and even though that's a catholic tradition I felt a bit better for doing it. I am really going to miss this place. I feel like I'm chasing something that's never been in my grasp, or at least hasn't for a very long time. In the end it may even be my own tail (if I had one, figure of speech thanks). I'm really hoping that at some point, somewhere everything becomes crystal clear. Maybe I will have to wait until the very end for that, maybe I wont. I do know that one day I will find what I'm searching for, and I will get the answers that I crave and I will know the extent of the mistakes I've made in life, alongside the impacts I might have made.

I hope to take a lot from this experience and to truly understand all my reasons for constantly running. Yes, I am aware I do it. I attach myself and then I flee. This time I have nothing to run from, yet. I don't when I became such an 'anywhere but here girl' but I guess everyone needs to figure out where to rest their hearts, and where they truly fit in. It's difficult not having thick, solid roots. I know people from all over the world, and I have a base in Scarborough and a bit of one in Wingham. The only downside is a lack of community, especially with a church. I know at times I can be picky, but I need to feel it. It has to wash over me, and only one place has done that and unfortunately, it's not a proper church with services throughout the year.
So I continue on this quest, of finding myself, finding a community, and finding purpose.
Next chapter begins!


All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!