I'm hanging on another day...

just to see what you'll throw my way.

<3

All I do is party ha ha ha ha

This here's for you sir --
There's a lesson to be learnt in every move we make. We make bad moves - we learn. We make good decisions - we learn.
I like to think everyone has the best intentions at heart but it's hard to believe when things start to spin themselves to look spiteful. It's hard to stand tall when things continuously seem to go the wrong way. When no amount of alcohol, no amount of anything can save your thoughts from spinning a tangled web- it tends to get a bit sketchy.
I laugh it off everyday, but I dread the worst. Always. You are always on my mind and it's too hard to picture a life with you absent from it. Completely gone. It's so final that I can't even picture it. I'm no stranger to odds, no stranger to loss, but this one seems heavier. Of course it would. You are so much a part of who I am, a part of everything I've done and I feel like I barely scraped the surface of who you are and the accomplishments you have had. I pray daily for a different outcome. It's always on my mind, and so are you. There is nothing that can stop me from trying to be there for you and take any small amount of weight off your shoulders and unfortunately all I've been able to do is wait and drink. Turning to all the wrong outlets and being incredibly self absorbed in my pain. Neglecting any amount you may be experiencing and focusing on smaller things to disregard the possibility of anything larger. I hope beyond hopes boundaries for optimism and for life to throw me a bone, and again, completely selfish. I want you to be okay and to be safe and to be breathing, but it's all because I can't comprehend life without you. I can't see past that dark hole of this potential for disaster. I don't know how to breathe without breath in your lungs. This life of living the unknown always seemed like a huge adventure, now was the time to really live and really learn. Through my mistakes and through my own accomplishments. Now it seems like this huge state of emptiness. A state where unknown outcomes, potential of massive life changing events and unanswered questions takes over. If a live I'm now living daily and it's hidden in the deepest corner of my being. The smile is legit, the laughs are as well. It's the end of the day that kills me.. sucks the warmth out of bones wondering if tomorrow is the day. I dread that call and I know it's coming and I can't run away this time. I need to plant my feet and take all the hits with minimal reaction. It's time to face reality and finally return the well deserved punch in the face. I'm in it, for you. You're the one that is able to make me stay, and congrats sir. You've done it well... under the worst circumstances imaginable.
I love you to the ends of the earth and beyond. Please don't leave me.


you're in my mind, you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
All my friends said you'd break my heart
a heartbreaker right from the start