this second chancing is really getting me down..

Accountability has reared it's ugly head again.
I find there's so many ways we fall short of what we intend to be accountable.
To ourselves, significant others, family, friends. We are all tangled in it for so many different reasons to one another, but the most important of all these is to be accountable to ourselves.
When we loose hope of our own goals the biggest letdown is on our own shoulders. We allow others disappointment to join our own weights, but it's just a reason to allow us to fall to our knees. Others weight feels heaviest when we want to immerse ourselves into the blackest holes.
The knowledge of letting others down is so painful we hide in our guilt, our faults, and inevitably hide our failures. When they come out, the realization that we were dishonest and lost respect is enough to keep us in that black hole. It disappoints more then the failures itself. Accountability defines us. The lengths we're willing to go to show our true selves, better ourselves, how rooted our morals are. It all comes out in to what we hold ourselves accountable.
I haven't found a lot of motivation in helping others in a while, and in turn helping myself. I've found a tire swing and just stayed in limbo, swing around and enjoying the scenery. I would like to say it's my decision here and now to change and become more of what I should be, but I don't know if I can hold myself accountable to it. There's no harm in trying.