I was doing so well..

I feel a weakness coming on
it's meant to be like this
not what I'd planned at all
I don't want to feel like this
so that makes it all your fault.

It's been a long long while blog world.
There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, so I'm going to make this a hands down, split open, heart spilling blog entry. Death is an extremely odd and very disconcerning thing to happen in ones life.
When it hits, it doesn't really hit.
When it's not meant to hit, it does. Hard.
Stages are a load of crap. There's no transitioning from one to the next. You don't wake up and think "hey, I'm going to move onto the angry stage now". No. At least not to me. It moves from one to the next as rapid as a flame, and can incorporate so many things your head starts spinning. Tonight for instance, 13 hour work day. No big deal. We all kept ourselves upbeat and laughed off the ignorant a-holes that tend to have a hankering for poisoning a few peoples work day. Everything was honky-dory and then out of no where it's difficult to breathe. That in and out movement that seems so effortless turns itself into something you solely focus on because all of a sudden it's not so easy.
The smallest thing can trigger any emotion. It's like a magic 8 ball. You're waiting for it and you're alright in limbo, then that answer shows up in that little window and that's how you feel in that moment.
At least that's how I view it.
I haven't sat down and cried for hours about anything in my life. It's not something I do. I find taking a day to do that is selfish and opens the door for a massive break down. I keep myself tightly bound. When I feel like I'm starting to uncoil I look in a mirror. As strange as that seems it keeps me together. I look at every bit of my face and feel the control in every muscle. I think about the future and imagine the millions of places I could be a year, two or ten from now. It works but it's a temporary fix. I don't believe in shrinks and filling strangers in on my innermost thoughts. Instead I write it out and even then its a paper thin skim of the surface.
I feel like if I wanted to I could drive the 3 hours and explode gunk all over people I feel deserving and even those I don't. I could loose my mind, my job, my apartment and myself. Instead I choose to tighten the muscles and smile the day away. It may not be easiest but it keeps me feeling like I'm still me.

I'm beginning to learn that when a parent dies, the harsh realization that half your dna, half the reason you're alive is no longer there. That's what makes your heart so heavy. Half of it just up and left. When it's out of left field- I'm finding it especially difficult to deal. I'm surrounded by a lot of smiles and friendly faces and yet all I want to do most of the time is shut down and drown myself in music. Typical, I know. But there really are some things that never change.

The major downside to all of this is the accusations and the hatred that comes alongside. The fact that anyone could make me doubt my own father and even how we related to each other. General understandings are no longer there, all because of a few petty words from a petty person. It really sucks. Forgiveness is something I work hard at grasping and it feels like when I understand how to do so and how to apply my theories something else happens that convinces me its best not to. Ties that were there before were there for a specific reason. There are a lot of things we dont particularly like or enjoy that happen in life, and we learn to accept it as "it is what it is". When that tie is gone, why is it the most traumatizing thing for some that those bonds were based on 'having to' rather then 'wanting to'? I didn't ask for a lot of things that I've learn to deal with in my life, and yet when that basic tie that is holding me to that situation is no longer there, why should I still deal with it? What if I don't want to? I know I've done some selfish things in my life but certain elements are missing for that natural long lasting bond.

I've been made out to feel like a terrible person before, that's no secret. I've made bad life decisions. We all have. I feel like being attacked for things that aren't even legitimate is just ridiculous. I am not a bad person and haven't made any bad decisions in a long time. And for some reason I have to keep convincing myself that "I'm not wrong."
That isn't right. For one person to make you doubt yourself - just ridiculous. The worst part is I'm letting it affect me. It's deep to the core and it's so hard to forget about certain things that were said. It's hard to think about the future. It's hard to think about stuff. So why do we choose to make it harder?

My plan was to just move on and to keep myself busy and I wasn't even granted that one. My values have shifted and there are times when I don't recognize the words I am speaking. It's like a completely different person just blurts it all out and then I'm left to apologizing for it. Maybe I am actually going crazy. I'd like to think this whole situation is a difficult one in the first place and it's just been made even more so by those involved. That all this is a completely natural turn of events.
Maybe death really does bring out the worst in people. Maybe I've been composed and shut down for so long that it's difficult to continue like that and one just starts cracking. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

I never asked to be in this position. Adding more weights to shoulders isn't going to help anyone along. I just wish it was different. So very very different.

I miss you.
More then anyone will ever know.