Paralyzed by the same old antics..

Back and forth like some walking spastic,

How can a fist fight be romantic?

Thinking back now will you ever feel the same... 

-If you aren't emo (like me) I suggest you don't youtube this song ahah It's by The Used. 

So even my Horoscope is correct about life currently but promises much.

Taurus: It feels like things are moving at a snail's pace, but in the next month something BIG is happening. .

Which is indubitably true.. Next month I'm going home for the better part of it. Sister's gettin hitched.. whaaat!!

There's so many bits of life I wish I could share on my blog. It's hard to pick and choose which bits I want to expand on because you never quite know who's reading this. That's the problem with public blogs. Currently I feel like my brain is scattered. There are things that are always on my mind and it's proving itself in the conversations I've had, and the direction of my thought processes. For those of you who read this and are sick of certain convos I am so so sorry! Thanks for putting up with me though!!

I have one friend who is convinced that things always work themselves out. Because of this he rarely stresses out about things.. he has no way of proving this but in his experiences he's clearly been given reason to believe this is true. Unfortunately for me, things flip flop in all sorts of direction taking me on incredibly rollercoaster rides. In the end I have no regrets, but it's so hard to find the end of the tunnel during the predicament. That's my status currently. I feel like this tunnel is never ending and I see no way out. One of my own sayings are "It's okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end."

I don't know who said it first, I can't even remember how I came across it but it's a good saying to have under your belt. 

I know I should be enjoying this experience beyond belief.. Big picture. I'm in England. I'm with an amazing family who have shared the perks of their lifestyle with me and have allowed me to enter into their family and have made an effort to get to know me. I feel like I've developed a fantastic report with them to the point where I can almost be as sarcastic with them as I can with my own family. (Although I doubt there's any other famjam in this world that I could be THAT sarcastic with!!) Instead of looking at the big picture I focus on the tunnel vision. That includes a betrayal of the heart, stress at not being able to fix problems that occur a million miles away and not having a change of experience. Everything has become routine and as comfortable as that can be, it makes me antsy. I hate change, and yet I crave it. If things change too much I fall apart until I figure out a way to pick myself back up again. In certain ways this is the most independent I have ever had to be, and it's a challenge and a joy all in itself on the flip side, I miss someone helping to pick up the slack, when I fall I rely on myself so much to pick myself up that it can be exhausting. I just feel so run down and so out of energy. I just need to focus, sort out my goals (great idea I would LOVE to put in action when I come home for good-- seriously guys, it was in my dream last night and landed me a spot on Oprah's couch!! It's THAT good!!) and figure out who in my life needs to take an exit stage right. Really only one name comes to mind but I can't bare to prune that bit out just yet. (Little gardening analogy for all you gardeners in the world!)

I know what I have to do, I just need to be comfortable enough with myself to commit to it and would preferrably like a sign that those measures (because they seem quite extreme currently) actually need to be taken. 

Sorry this is so scattered and cryptic and really doesn't make much sense when you're not on the in of that bubble but maybe one day we can sit down over tea and I can tell you all about the incredible strength it takes to walk away and never look back. Instead of standing still, waiting for the rain to wash away the bitter tastes petty drama can leave in your mouth. 

Kids. Lesson for the day, there's a reason you have boundaries with friends. DO. NOT. CROSS. THEM!

xoxox V