for a thousand years.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I am folded, and unfolding...
I am fine.
What would you do if you could start life over? At what point do we choose when the starting place it?
If it's all slipping through your fingers.. do you just imagine sand? Hold on tighter and watch each grain slowly slide? Or drop the handful, expecting an oceans worth ready to be picked up?
Glazed eyes only see so much. Broken hearts will only ever love to a certain extent. If your shoulders can actually sense and feel the weight that is on them, do you blame what you once thought was God?
How does this recovery work, when you took all the weight on yourself, and worked independently to heal. When your rope ends how does the healing continue?
The say it all gets better in time. What happens when you run out of time? When time is the thing you fear the most, because like the sand, it's slipping. I wish it would slow down. I feel like those montages where the person is standing still in a train station or a busy street and the everyone is moving at lightning speed. It's a ghost of what was once a fun and outgoing person. Now stands a girl with headphones, tuning out reality. Choosing the same as before with different consequences. Still talking in cryptic code. That's semi reassuring.
I wish you would read these words. Understand what they mean. We once had such a connection and now I'm a shadow of that. Barely there in your memory and quickly evaporating from my own. When my rope was shortened you would extend it. There were times when you made it shorter, and I don't forget about those, but my own want for what used to be is overpowering that, and getting stronger everyday.
How much longer should we wait? A year? A decade? Then what?
It's already too late and the idea of forgiveness is already blossoming.
I keep reminders of why I hate you to make it easier. It doesn't.
There was so much back and forth I can't remember what was real. There's one look that wont leave me. That's the one that's reassuring me of everything. If I saw you and saw that look I would know if it was really too late or not.
Too bad you'll never read this.
I'll sip my coffee and watch my rope disappear.
I am fine.
What would you do if you could start life over? At what point do we choose when the starting place it?
If it's all slipping through your fingers.. do you just imagine sand? Hold on tighter and watch each grain slowly slide? Or drop the handful, expecting an oceans worth ready to be picked up?
Glazed eyes only see so much. Broken hearts will only ever love to a certain extent. If your shoulders can actually sense and feel the weight that is on them, do you blame what you once thought was God?
How does this recovery work, when you took all the weight on yourself, and worked independently to heal. When your rope ends how does the healing continue?
The say it all gets better in time. What happens when you run out of time? When time is the thing you fear the most, because like the sand, it's slipping. I wish it would slow down. I feel like those montages where the person is standing still in a train station or a busy street and the everyone is moving at lightning speed. It's a ghost of what was once a fun and outgoing person. Now stands a girl with headphones, tuning out reality. Choosing the same as before with different consequences. Still talking in cryptic code. That's semi reassuring.
I wish you would read these words. Understand what they mean. We once had such a connection and now I'm a shadow of that. Barely there in your memory and quickly evaporating from my own. When my rope was shortened you would extend it. There were times when you made it shorter, and I don't forget about those, but my own want for what used to be is overpowering that, and getting stronger everyday.
How much longer should we wait? A year? A decade? Then what?
It's already too late and the idea of forgiveness is already blossoming.
I keep reminders of why I hate you to make it easier. It doesn't.
There was so much back and forth I can't remember what was real. There's one look that wont leave me. That's the one that's reassuring me of everything. If I saw you and saw that look I would know if it was really too late or not.
Too bad you'll never read this.
I'll sip my coffee and watch my rope disappear.
I am fine.
Monday, January 24, 2011
It takes something more this time..
... then sweet sweet lies.
Before I open up my arms and fall
loosing all control
every dream inside my soul.
Ain't this life so sweet.
The line between smart and not so smart is a thin one for me. I'm a classic 'foot-in-mouth'er. There are times when the voice in your head says "WHAT THE HELL!! STOP! ABORT MISSION!" I've ignored said voice for so long it's merely a whisper. And ignoring that whisper leaves me scarred everytime. I'm the one that's left thinking - what have I done?
I wish I could take solace in it and tag it as being "blunt" as some do. Or at least accept being classified as a grade-A bitch.
Instead I just consider it being inconsiderate and disrespectful. Usually only to myself.
I create my own boundaries and lines and constantly break them. I create my own beautiful letdowns. So gracefully done no one even notices me self destructing until I'm left lifeless on the floor, smile still plastered on my face.
I mask it wonderfully and it's so well executed it's award worthy.
Right now I am pre-meltdown. Well, let's be honest. I've been taking leaps rather then steps and have thought of no consequences and just did things the way they are stereotypically done. One of the least stereotypical personalities following in line, thinking of grandchildren and telling life stories. Only issue would be the whole having to do life things to have life stories. This blank, lifelessness doesn't create life stories. It barely gets a passing grade. It's not performing to the best of your abilities. It's showing up and barely staying awake.
If we're being honest we could say the meltdown has been growing since june. If we were being honest we could say that realistically the meltdown should have come at a much earlier date, and distracting myself by creating lines and boundaries have kept me from said meltdown. Then we could say that consistently breaking my own expectations for myself could add to the meltdown, and then setting up more lines and giving myself a bit more hope could contribute to the "sanity"
I could say that great losses sometimes need to be had. I used to tell my kids at camp that God takes people when the timing is right. How are we to know if great pain was in store for someone and God saved them from that. They always used to ask - but why now?
Eff if I know kids. Is what I should of said. Rather, I responded with a 'time will tell" "all lessons take a while, so they can become lessons"
If that's the case what's my lesson? The fact that I can steer myself in a wholey different direction and can redirect my pain into boundaries and lines? I keep my time scheduled and everything will be okay? I can just drop certain friends and not ever have a feeling about it?
No, because feelings lead to meltdowns. Not feeling leads to no expectations, no being disappointed, and inevitably no meltdown.
The best trappers are the ones who aren't scared of being nicked in the process.
A dr once said that to me and then followed up with "and this one is our very best trapper" (in regards to catching feral cats and not getting attacked)
truth is death isn't so scary. Not in a please send me to a suicidal hotline asap. You can call off the bridge watch. Death is just an end. An end to a beginning we were given, not asked for. Death is the finale and if you're a tv fan - finales happen. Sometimes we may not be happy with the ride at the end, sometimes we don't like the twists and sometimes we don't get all the answers. It's hard to live with that but if you're breathing - you're living. It's hard, but you're also surviving. So you're doing something right. Somedays are just hard days.
Lately, I've been having a lot.
That's all.
Before I open up my arms and fall
loosing all control
every dream inside my soul.
Ain't this life so sweet.
The line between smart and not so smart is a thin one for me. I'm a classic 'foot-in-mouth'er. There are times when the voice in your head says "WHAT THE HELL!! STOP! ABORT MISSION!" I've ignored said voice for so long it's merely a whisper. And ignoring that whisper leaves me scarred everytime. I'm the one that's left thinking - what have I done?
I wish I could take solace in it and tag it as being "blunt" as some do. Or at least accept being classified as a grade-A bitch.
Instead I just consider it being inconsiderate and disrespectful. Usually only to myself.
I create my own boundaries and lines and constantly break them. I create my own beautiful letdowns. So gracefully done no one even notices me self destructing until I'm left lifeless on the floor, smile still plastered on my face.
I mask it wonderfully and it's so well executed it's award worthy.
Right now I am pre-meltdown. Well, let's be honest. I've been taking leaps rather then steps and have thought of no consequences and just did things the way they are stereotypically done. One of the least stereotypical personalities following in line, thinking of grandchildren and telling life stories. Only issue would be the whole having to do life things to have life stories. This blank, lifelessness doesn't create life stories. It barely gets a passing grade. It's not performing to the best of your abilities. It's showing up and barely staying awake.
If we're being honest we could say the meltdown has been growing since june. If we were being honest we could say that realistically the meltdown should have come at a much earlier date, and distracting myself by creating lines and boundaries have kept me from said meltdown. Then we could say that consistently breaking my own expectations for myself could add to the meltdown, and then setting up more lines and giving myself a bit more hope could contribute to the "sanity"
I could say that great losses sometimes need to be had. I used to tell my kids at camp that God takes people when the timing is right. How are we to know if great pain was in store for someone and God saved them from that. They always used to ask - but why now?
Eff if I know kids. Is what I should of said. Rather, I responded with a 'time will tell" "all lessons take a while, so they can become lessons"
If that's the case what's my lesson? The fact that I can steer myself in a wholey different direction and can redirect my pain into boundaries and lines? I keep my time scheduled and everything will be okay? I can just drop certain friends and not ever have a feeling about it?
No, because feelings lead to meltdowns. Not feeling leads to no expectations, no being disappointed, and inevitably no meltdown.
The best trappers are the ones who aren't scared of being nicked in the process.
A dr once said that to me and then followed up with "and this one is our very best trapper" (in regards to catching feral cats and not getting attacked)
truth is death isn't so scary. Not in a please send me to a suicidal hotline asap. You can call off the bridge watch. Death is just an end. An end to a beginning we were given, not asked for. Death is the finale and if you're a tv fan - finales happen. Sometimes we may not be happy with the ride at the end, sometimes we don't like the twists and sometimes we don't get all the answers. It's hard to live with that but if you're breathing - you're living. It's hard, but you're also surviving. So you're doing something right. Somedays are just hard days.
Lately, I've been having a lot.
That's all.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I didn't ask..
.. and he didn't say.
I am.
And there's nothing more I can be.
Nothing follows. Full stop.
I just am.
Please don't ask for more.
I am.
And there's nothing more I can be.
Nothing follows. Full stop.
I just am.
Please don't ask for more.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
We were the Kings and Queens of promise..
We were the victims of ourselves. Maybe the children of a lesser God between Heaven and Hell.
We stole our new lives through blood and pain in defense of our dreams.
I believe we do what we need to do to survive. I believe it's okay for us to hide away for a day and avoid the sun and judgemental eyes. I believe we can make mistakes and not talk about them. I believe ignoring certain things is completely acceptable. I believe you should not be penalized by those who know nothing of the situation.
I plead the fifth.
It's a whole new kind of pain at times, but an altogether familiar one. It's something that's been done with a thousand times before. A song sat on repeat. Everytime it hurts a little less, but when the finality of it hits the song seems to project until it's pounding in your ear drums. It wont stop.
I believe in what I believe. I believe there were a lot of unspoken words and meanings. I believe that it's hard. But I believe that this is permanent in my life of temporary. For the good of all those involved. There are many things I wish, many things that would be so much better if different. That's the funny thing about life. Overlooking what we have for the fantacies of what will never be. Choices were already made. Stick to your guns, it'll make you stronger.
We stole our new lives through blood and pain in defense of our dreams.
I believe we do what we need to do to survive. I believe it's okay for us to hide away for a day and avoid the sun and judgemental eyes. I believe we can make mistakes and not talk about them. I believe ignoring certain things is completely acceptable. I believe you should not be penalized by those who know nothing of the situation.
I plead the fifth.
It's a whole new kind of pain at times, but an altogether familiar one. It's something that's been done with a thousand times before. A song sat on repeat. Everytime it hurts a little less, but when the finality of it hits the song seems to project until it's pounding in your ear drums. It wont stop.
I believe in what I believe. I believe there were a lot of unspoken words and meanings. I believe that it's hard. But I believe that this is permanent in my life of temporary. For the good of all those involved. There are many things I wish, many things that would be so much better if different. That's the funny thing about life. Overlooking what we have for the fantacies of what will never be. Choices were already made. Stick to your guns, it'll make you stronger.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I was doing so well..
I feel a weakness coming on
it's meant to be like this
not what I'd planned at all
I don't want to feel like this
so that makes it all your fault.
It's been a long long while blog world.
There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, so I'm going to make this a hands down, split open, heart spilling blog entry. Death is an extremely odd and very disconcerning thing to happen in ones life.
When it hits, it doesn't really hit.
When it's not meant to hit, it does. Hard.
Stages are a load of crap. There's no transitioning from one to the next. You don't wake up and think "hey, I'm going to move onto the angry stage now". No. At least not to me. It moves from one to the next as rapid as a flame, and can incorporate so many things your head starts spinning. Tonight for instance, 13 hour work day. No big deal. We all kept ourselves upbeat and laughed off the ignorant a-holes that tend to have a hankering for poisoning a few peoples work day. Everything was honky-dory and then out of no where it's difficult to breathe. That in and out movement that seems so effortless turns itself into something you solely focus on because all of a sudden it's not so easy.
The smallest thing can trigger any emotion. It's like a magic 8 ball. You're waiting for it and you're alright in limbo, then that answer shows up in that little window and that's how you feel in that moment.
At least that's how I view it.
I haven't sat down and cried for hours about anything in my life. It's not something I do. I find taking a day to do that is selfish and opens the door for a massive break down. I keep myself tightly bound. When I feel like I'm starting to uncoil I look in a mirror. As strange as that seems it keeps me together. I look at every bit of my face and feel the control in every muscle. I think about the future and imagine the millions of places I could be a year, two or ten from now. It works but it's a temporary fix. I don't believe in shrinks and filling strangers in on my innermost thoughts. Instead I write it out and even then its a paper thin skim of the surface.
I feel like if I wanted to I could drive the 3 hours and explode gunk all over people I feel deserving and even those I don't. I could loose my mind, my job, my apartment and myself. Instead I choose to tighten the muscles and smile the day away. It may not be easiest but it keeps me feeling like I'm still me.
I'm beginning to learn that when a parent dies, the harsh realization that half your dna, half the reason you're alive is no longer there. That's what makes your heart so heavy. Half of it just up and left. When it's out of left field- I'm finding it especially difficult to deal. I'm surrounded by a lot of smiles and friendly faces and yet all I want to do most of the time is shut down and drown myself in music. Typical, I know. But there really are some things that never change.
The major downside to all of this is the accusations and the hatred that comes alongside. The fact that anyone could make me doubt my own father and even how we related to each other. General understandings are no longer there, all because of a few petty words from a petty person. It really sucks. Forgiveness is something I work hard at grasping and it feels like when I understand how to do so and how to apply my theories something else happens that convinces me its best not to. Ties that were there before were there for a specific reason. There are a lot of things we dont particularly like or enjoy that happen in life, and we learn to accept it as "it is what it is". When that tie is gone, why is it the most traumatizing thing for some that those bonds were based on 'having to' rather then 'wanting to'? I didn't ask for a lot of things that I've learn to deal with in my life, and yet when that basic tie that is holding me to that situation is no longer there, why should I still deal with it? What if I don't want to? I know I've done some selfish things in my life but certain elements are missing for that natural long lasting bond.
I've been made out to feel like a terrible person before, that's no secret. I've made bad life decisions. We all have. I feel like being attacked for things that aren't even legitimate is just ridiculous. I am not a bad person and haven't made any bad decisions in a long time. And for some reason I have to keep convincing myself that "I'm not wrong."
That isn't right. For one person to make you doubt yourself - just ridiculous. The worst part is I'm letting it affect me. It's deep to the core and it's so hard to forget about certain things that were said. It's hard to think about the future. It's hard to think about stuff. So why do we choose to make it harder?
My plan was to just move on and to keep myself busy and I wasn't even granted that one. My values have shifted and there are times when I don't recognize the words I am speaking. It's like a completely different person just blurts it all out and then I'm left to apologizing for it. Maybe I am actually going crazy. I'd like to think this whole situation is a difficult one in the first place and it's just been made even more so by those involved. That all this is a completely natural turn of events.
Maybe death really does bring out the worst in people. Maybe I've been composed and shut down for so long that it's difficult to continue like that and one just starts cracking. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.
I never asked to be in this position. Adding more weights to shoulders isn't going to help anyone along. I just wish it was different. So very very different.
I miss you.
More then anyone will ever know.
it's meant to be like this
not what I'd planned at all
I don't want to feel like this
so that makes it all your fault.
It's been a long long while blog world.
There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, so I'm going to make this a hands down, split open, heart spilling blog entry. Death is an extremely odd and very disconcerning thing to happen in ones life.
When it hits, it doesn't really hit.
When it's not meant to hit, it does. Hard.
Stages are a load of crap. There's no transitioning from one to the next. You don't wake up and think "hey, I'm going to move onto the angry stage now". No. At least not to me. It moves from one to the next as rapid as a flame, and can incorporate so many things your head starts spinning. Tonight for instance, 13 hour work day. No big deal. We all kept ourselves upbeat and laughed off the ignorant a-holes that tend to have a hankering for poisoning a few peoples work day. Everything was honky-dory and then out of no where it's difficult to breathe. That in and out movement that seems so effortless turns itself into something you solely focus on because all of a sudden it's not so easy.
The smallest thing can trigger any emotion. It's like a magic 8 ball. You're waiting for it and you're alright in limbo, then that answer shows up in that little window and that's how you feel in that moment.
At least that's how I view it.
I haven't sat down and cried for hours about anything in my life. It's not something I do. I find taking a day to do that is selfish and opens the door for a massive break down. I keep myself tightly bound. When I feel like I'm starting to uncoil I look in a mirror. As strange as that seems it keeps me together. I look at every bit of my face and feel the control in every muscle. I think about the future and imagine the millions of places I could be a year, two or ten from now. It works but it's a temporary fix. I don't believe in shrinks and filling strangers in on my innermost thoughts. Instead I write it out and even then its a paper thin skim of the surface.
I feel like if I wanted to I could drive the 3 hours and explode gunk all over people I feel deserving and even those I don't. I could loose my mind, my job, my apartment and myself. Instead I choose to tighten the muscles and smile the day away. It may not be easiest but it keeps me feeling like I'm still me.
I'm beginning to learn that when a parent dies, the harsh realization that half your dna, half the reason you're alive is no longer there. That's what makes your heart so heavy. Half of it just up and left. When it's out of left field- I'm finding it especially difficult to deal. I'm surrounded by a lot of smiles and friendly faces and yet all I want to do most of the time is shut down and drown myself in music. Typical, I know. But there really are some things that never change.
The major downside to all of this is the accusations and the hatred that comes alongside. The fact that anyone could make me doubt my own father and even how we related to each other. General understandings are no longer there, all because of a few petty words from a petty person. It really sucks. Forgiveness is something I work hard at grasping and it feels like when I understand how to do so and how to apply my theories something else happens that convinces me its best not to. Ties that were there before were there for a specific reason. There are a lot of things we dont particularly like or enjoy that happen in life, and we learn to accept it as "it is what it is". When that tie is gone, why is it the most traumatizing thing for some that those bonds were based on 'having to' rather then 'wanting to'? I didn't ask for a lot of things that I've learn to deal with in my life, and yet when that basic tie that is holding me to that situation is no longer there, why should I still deal with it? What if I don't want to? I know I've done some selfish things in my life but certain elements are missing for that natural long lasting bond.
I've been made out to feel like a terrible person before, that's no secret. I've made bad life decisions. We all have. I feel like being attacked for things that aren't even legitimate is just ridiculous. I am not a bad person and haven't made any bad decisions in a long time. And for some reason I have to keep convincing myself that "I'm not wrong."
That isn't right. For one person to make you doubt yourself - just ridiculous. The worst part is I'm letting it affect me. It's deep to the core and it's so hard to forget about certain things that were said. It's hard to think about the future. It's hard to think about stuff. So why do we choose to make it harder?
My plan was to just move on and to keep myself busy and I wasn't even granted that one. My values have shifted and there are times when I don't recognize the words I am speaking. It's like a completely different person just blurts it all out and then I'm left to apologizing for it. Maybe I am actually going crazy. I'd like to think this whole situation is a difficult one in the first place and it's just been made even more so by those involved. That all this is a completely natural turn of events.
Maybe death really does bring out the worst in people. Maybe I've been composed and shut down for so long that it's difficult to continue like that and one just starts cracking. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.
I never asked to be in this position. Adding more weights to shoulders isn't going to help anyone along. I just wish it was different. So very very different.
I miss you.
More then anyone will ever know.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
this second chancing is really getting me down..
Accountability has reared it's ugly head again.
I find there's so many ways we fall short of what we intend to be accountable.
To ourselves, significant others, family, friends. We are all tangled in it for so many different reasons to one another, but the most important of all these is to be accountable to ourselves.
When we loose hope of our own goals the biggest letdown is on our own shoulders. We allow others disappointment to join our own weights, but it's just a reason to allow us to fall to our knees. Others weight feels heaviest when we want to immerse ourselves into the blackest holes.
The knowledge of letting others down is so painful we hide in our guilt, our faults, and inevitably hide our failures. When they come out, the realization that we were dishonest and lost respect is enough to keep us in that black hole. It disappoints more then the failures itself. Accountability defines us. The lengths we're willing to go to show our true selves, better ourselves, how rooted our morals are. It all comes out in to what we hold ourselves accountable.
I haven't found a lot of motivation in helping others in a while, and in turn helping myself. I've found a tire swing and just stayed in limbo, swing around and enjoying the scenery. I would like to say it's my decision here and now to change and become more of what I should be, but I don't know if I can hold myself accountable to it. There's no harm in trying.
I find there's so many ways we fall short of what we intend to be accountable.
To ourselves, significant others, family, friends. We are all tangled in it for so many different reasons to one another, but the most important of all these is to be accountable to ourselves.
When we loose hope of our own goals the biggest letdown is on our own shoulders. We allow others disappointment to join our own weights, but it's just a reason to allow us to fall to our knees. Others weight feels heaviest when we want to immerse ourselves into the blackest holes.
The knowledge of letting others down is so painful we hide in our guilt, our faults, and inevitably hide our failures. When they come out, the realization that we were dishonest and lost respect is enough to keep us in that black hole. It disappoints more then the failures itself. Accountability defines us. The lengths we're willing to go to show our true selves, better ourselves, how rooted our morals are. It all comes out in to what we hold ourselves accountable.
I haven't found a lot of motivation in helping others in a while, and in turn helping myself. I've found a tire swing and just stayed in limbo, swing around and enjoying the scenery. I would like to say it's my decision here and now to change and become more of what I should be, but I don't know if I can hold myself accountable to it. There's no harm in trying.
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