Psalm 139.. a post with no holding back..

If you don't read the bible, that's your deal. If you don't pray to my God, that's fine too.

A huge part of being christian and sharing in my beliefs is to spread the word of God. This has been a huge struggle of mine. I have a group of people I know and love that don't share in my christian world, and a group of people I know and love that do. As a result, I almost never talk about my beliefs or my journey with God in those that don't share in my christian world. In any case, I feel it's time to open my life up, and share my journey with God. Where better to share it? On a blog that people from both groups read!!

So basically, I've been finding it very difficult to get to a church on sundays. There is one in the village but it is dark and cold and has different services on different days. No consistency and that's something I need when it comes to my church life. I've been much like a sitting duck and bobbed along, throwing up small prayers when the timing calls for it "God, give me strength to deal with this whining", "God please don't let this train crash" things like that. Everyone has struggles in their life and I find the easiest thing to say is "I'll pray for you" or "I'll pray for that", but when it comes down to it, I don't. Hard. cold. truth. It shames me to say it but for some reason I can't sit in silence and pray while being here. I've tried to remind myself in my journal to but time away, even for thanks at various opportunities. And it's come to light that it may because I'm still unsure I made the right decision of coming to England. Many reasons say yes, very few reasons say no. So really why does it feel like I did this for all the wrong reasons? Probably because initially my ideal was to escape reality. I no longer had that out at my previous job, and needed to find a new place to do so. When infact, I'm finding myself in the most real place I've been. I'm staying with a real family, doing a real job, and making real money. It may not be a lot, but my options are endless come september. (Minus being a sports announcer, sports coach, being on welfare or starting my own business, as my visa states.)

In my journeys with God, at this current moment I am realizing that the reason I can't pray for others is because it's time for me to be selfish. Get down to the nitty gritty and find out who I really am. I've cared for others, guys and girls, for as long as I can remember. Hiding in my care for them, thinking I'm being totally selfless because I'm focussing on fixing/helping their problems, their concerns, wishing for their well being. And while that's all great and dandy, in the end who is caring for mine? God. And others obviously, but ultimately, God. 

If I'm not allowing this to happen, and shutting him out for the sake of others, I'm not knowing myself or my God. I am focussing all I can to find out who I truely am in this. And who knows this better then God? 

I have branched out and asked a friend for a site that have devotionals so I can learn while doing all this extra work and my good buddy Eyassu (shout outs!!) gave me an excellent site, along with many words of wisdom!! (If you want the link let me know). I hope to one day be able to be more like Eyassu, in that his full trust is in God. You can see it whenever you have a conversation with him, and I am just in awe. 

One passage that has really floored me in Psalm 139. No No, don't rush to your bibles (or google it) I've done it for you. I find that when I repeat this to myself in times when I'm getting frustrated with thinking that I'm being ignored by God, or frustrated at the fact that I'm almost 21 and have NO idea what I want to do in my life, or who I am even, I read this, and it's instant relief. It settles those butterflies when you wake up in the  middle of the night in sheer panic thinking about all of lifes heavy weights on your shoulders (yes I do this almost every night) and in moments when I feel like I'm on the brink of a melt down, I read it. Seriously guys, instantaneous relief!!

Psalm 139 

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 

You hem me in - behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made'

you works are wonderful,

I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body. 

All the days ordained for me 

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, 

they would outnumber the grains of sand. 

When I awake,

I am still with you.

....

(23)

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

See if there is any offensive way in me, 

and lead me in the way everlasting. 

The part about testing is so true. God constantly tests and challenges us, but it's completely up to us on how we fight back and how hard. If we're fighting purely or if we are using hidden weapons. All my life my tongue has been my sword in fights. I'm finding that since working at the camp I have more patience, and step back out of a situation and don't let people rattle me. Their words roll off my back, and those that stick are usually the ones they didn't say out of spite. Previously, those are usually the honest words, good or bad. 

I just need to learn to control my own thoughts with patience, to breath and to trust in God.

These are my challenges currently. An inward test. Wish me luck ahaha.. 

Thanks for listening.. more on my day to day living in a wee bit.. 

Peace out homeskillets xxo

p.s- blogger just told me my profile picture is fetching. How lovely!