Something did change-

it was me.


It never ceases to amaze me how foolishly I believe in people.
Believe they're good in heart and mind.
I delude myself into trusting people blindly.

It always made me sad- seeing movies and shows where a character has no one.
Where they trust the wrong people.
They assume certain people will always be there to listen, and love.
It's all a delusion.

We mature, and then we go backwards.
Reversibility. Use it or lose it.
It's the same with our hearts.
Use them or lose them.

I've apparently lost mine, along with the ability to care.
Go on and be childish girl, I'm not fighting back this time.

cuz baby if you're looking for heaven it sure as hell aint me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b31jx08y6To&feature=related

a restless roamer..

.. and I can't have you by my side.

Fare thee well.

Fare thee well love.

Far away, you must go.

Take my heart.

Take my heart will we never meet again no more.

It just keeps coming closer and closer.

I hate June.

Way back playback..

.. don't read into this. It's oddly comforting but only because of the time of my life it resembles.

* Small simple safe price

rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets

this is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals.

And I am not afraid to die.

I'm not afraid to bleed, and f*** and fight.

I want the pain of payment.

What's left but a section of pygmy sized cuts-

much like a slew of a thousand unwanted f***s

would you be my little cut?

would you be my thousand f***s?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad sorry selfish cry out to the cutter,

I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a f***ing knife!*

Look at me.

Look at me now!

I don't even care.

I'll be the last train..

home.

It is so completely strange to read old emails. My brain does this weird thing- when I say "I forgive" it's usually followed by "... but I'll never forget". Turns out. I will. Completely.

I never fully believed that history repeats itself until this very moment. I never fully believed that I was that person to you. Or that you viewed things that way. You begged me to forgive you of all the little "mistakes" and I always did while piling on the weight to your shoulders. I was halfway around the world and had you wrapped around my thumb. Then came home, did my typical 'run far away from a complicated situation', and straight into someone else arms. With a detour along the way. I then vowed to myself that "this is it", "no more running". I put up with bullshit excuses, bullshit fights, and bullshit lies. I got a taste of my own medicine. A self-destructing person that gets tangled in their own world and fails to see the effects of the people surrounding them. For this reason, I have nothing but negative things to say about this former boyfriend of mine. I did, however, get a taste of the self-destructing ways I had in previous relationships, if you want to call it that. People tell me not to take so many things and hold it against myself. But in retrospect, it was solely my fault.

It surprises me how much love is in those emails. Something I never saw, even when I was 16. A stupid kid wailing out 'Taking back sunday' lyrics on a bench with you. There are so many little things from our friendship from those days that we take with us, that we completely ignore all the negative. The trust that was lost and regained. People asked me why you were always forgiven, no questions asked. I finally figured it out. It's not due to some crazy, unexplained love or lust or anything along those lines. It's because that's all I've ever known. We wouldn't talk for months and it was always me coming back. It was foreign at first, you being the one to apologize. That I remember. Now it's just all out of wack - one of us always does. It is its own destructive situation in itself. Our 'relationship' could never be defined. Those who tried to keep up, usually gave up quickly and walked away scratching their heads for some logical explanation. But nothing about us is logical. Which is why, at this moment, I say (completely assured) we're better off this way. That being said - this is usually the outcome until history repeats itself.

We're all older now. A little bit wiser. A little more bruised and battered. Outcomes have the potential to be catastrophic. I don't plan to be around for that. Take myself out of the situation (as usual).

Additionally, I have realized I never give anyone the opportunity to choose. If I feel like it's me vs someone else I always tap out. I guess that's the fight or flight debate. I always choose flight. That's not a surprise. I went to frickin England!! So no, you never had to choose. I would and will never let you. I don't know where it comes from. They say you can stem it back to childhood, but no explanation comes to mind.

Nostalgia at it's finest. Mixed with wine is never a good idea.

So this is to all three of you-

I broke one heart.

I disappointed another.

And confused the crap out of the last.

For that, I am sorry. History wont repeat itself this time. I wont let it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3AmY5HXzgA

I break in two over you..

.. I break in two and each piece of me dies.

Only you can give the breath of life.

But you don't see me.

you don't.

I break in two over you.

***

If I lay here - will you lie with me,

and just forget the world.

let's waste time

chasing cars

around our heads.

***

I keep searching reflections, doing double takes and being more neurotic then usual. Hoping each time that I see a glimpse of you.

They say that glass is the best reflection for that. Sometimes you see the green of an eye, or a shimmer of hair. So far, nothing.

Was that all life was to you?

Something to get through and then forget.

Or are most doubts correct?

There is really nothing there. No one watching over and listening to prayers.

I've prayed and wished for the same thing over and over.

Nothing has helped. Nothing has been proven.

I used to think I knew it all.

I know now that I don't know anything.

I may never know anything -

and my crazed control-freak of a personality has to live with that.

Only problem is I'm not so sure I can.

***

I need your grace

to remind me

to find my own.

you'll add my name to a long list of traitors-

... who don't understand, and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said "run as fast as you can!"

I wish I was here - .

Such a glorious place. Not a drop of rain, sunshine everyday.

It's difficult looking back. Always. What I wouldn't give to change some of my priceless endeavors.

Some of my stories - wishing they weren't mine. I don't want to star in my own play. I hate the thought of people judging me, and a lot of my history creates rightfully deserved judgement.

It makes us who we are, but through out my collection I changed. Compromising became the only way. I just never realized I was compromising myself, while you gave up nothing. Not even the toilet paper.

I see it, now that you're gone. I see the things I did that I wouldn't normally do. The things I said that were so foreign and out of character. Ignoring and avoiding some of my biggest influences because I let you take their place.

Blindly believed lies you told me about friends, life and your history.

I'm not bitter. You're just another story. I allowed it to happen.

I gave up. I sailed to my own wind for so long I thought it'd be nice to follow someone elses coattails.

You had nothing for me to follow. You made minimal effort. I still followed. I played house. I played breadmaker. I played daft. Really all that was happening was I was slowly dwindling down into nothingness. Loosing myself into being you're double. Day and night. I forced myself to dim into your darkness.

I needed help and an ear to listen and instead I became your ear and silenced my own voice.

I don't blame you for letting go.

You truthfully did me a huge favour.

You let me be me without you.

I could never hate you for that.

I learned a valuable lesson. It's too easy to give up, roll over and play dead. It's too easy to disappear into another world. I was unsure of everything, and even now looking back and knowing the lies you admitted to, I still don't know what part of "us" was real.

I melted our hands.

It was glorious.

That's my secret.

could be stuck here...

for a thousand years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11KD3gN6Bus

I am folded, and unfolding...

I am fine.

What would you do if you could start life over? At what point do we choose when the starting place it?
If it's all slipping through your fingers.. do you just imagine sand? Hold on tighter and watch each grain slowly slide? Or drop the handful, expecting an oceans worth ready to be picked up?

Glazed eyes only see so much. Broken hearts will only ever love to a certain extent. If your shoulders can actually sense and feel the weight that is on them, do you blame what you once thought was God?
How does this recovery work, when you took all the weight on yourself, and worked independently to heal. When your rope ends how does the healing continue?

The say it all gets better in time. What happens when you run out of time? When time is the thing you fear the most, because like the sand, it's slipping. I wish it would slow down. I feel like those montages where the person is standing still in a train station or a busy street and the everyone is moving at lightning speed. It's a ghost of what was once a fun and outgoing person. Now stands a girl with headphones, tuning out reality. Choosing the same as before with different consequences. Still talking in cryptic code. That's semi reassuring.

I wish you would read these words. Understand what they mean. We once had such a connection and now I'm a shadow of that. Barely there in your memory and quickly evaporating from my own. When my rope was shortened you would extend it. There were times when you made it shorter, and I don't forget about those, but my own want for what used to be is overpowering that, and getting stronger everyday.
How much longer should we wait? A year? A decade? Then what?
It's already too late and the idea of forgiveness is already blossoming.
I keep reminders of why I hate you to make it easier. It doesn't.
There was so much back and forth I can't remember what was real. There's one look that wont leave me. That's the one that's reassuring me of everything. If I saw you and saw that look I would know if it was really too late or not.
Too bad you'll never read this.
I'll sip my coffee and watch my rope disappear.

I am fine.

It takes something more this time..

... then sweet sweet lies.


Before I open up my arms and fall
loosing all control
every dream inside my soul.


Ain't this life so sweet.

The line between smart and not so smart is a thin one for me. I'm a classic 'foot-in-mouth'er. There are times when the voice in your head says "WHAT THE HELL!! STOP! ABORT MISSION!" I've ignored said voice for so long it's merely a whisper. And ignoring that whisper leaves me scarred everytime. I'm the one that's left thinking - what have I done?
I wish I could take solace in it and tag it as being "blunt" as some do. Or at least accept being classified as a grade-A bitch.
Instead I just consider it being inconsiderate and disrespectful. Usually only to myself.

I create my own boundaries and lines and constantly break them. I create my own beautiful letdowns. So gracefully done no one even notices me self destructing until I'm left lifeless on the floor, smile still plastered on my face.
I mask it wonderfully and it's so well executed it's award worthy.

Right now I am pre-meltdown. Well, let's be honest. I've been taking leaps rather then steps and have thought of no consequences and just did things the way they are stereotypically done. One of the least stereotypical personalities following in line, thinking of grandchildren and telling life stories. Only issue would be the whole having to do life things to have life stories. This blank, lifelessness doesn't create life stories. It barely gets a passing grade. It's not performing to the best of your abilities. It's showing up and barely staying awake.

If we're being honest we could say the meltdown has been growing since june. If we were being honest we could say that realistically the meltdown should have come at a much earlier date, and distracting myself by creating lines and boundaries have kept me from said meltdown. Then we could say that consistently breaking my own expectations for myself could add to the meltdown, and then setting up more lines and giving myself a bit more hope could contribute to the "sanity"

I could say that great losses sometimes need to be had. I used to tell my kids at camp that God takes people when the timing is right. How are we to know if great pain was in store for someone and God saved them from that. They always used to ask - but why now?
Eff if I know kids. Is what I should of said. Rather, I responded with a 'time will tell" "all lessons take a while, so they can become lessons"

If that's the case what's my lesson? The fact that I can steer myself in a wholey different direction and can redirect my pain into boundaries and lines? I keep my time scheduled and everything will be okay? I can just drop certain friends and not ever have a feeling about it?
No, because feelings lead to meltdowns. Not feeling leads to no expectations, no being disappointed, and inevitably no meltdown.

The best trappers are the ones who aren't scared of being nicked in the process.
A dr once said that to me and then followed up with "and this one is our very best trapper" (in regards to catching feral cats and not getting attacked)

truth is death isn't so scary. Not in a please send me to a suicidal hotline asap. You can call off the bridge watch. Death is just an end. An end to a beginning we were given, not asked for. Death is the finale and if you're a tv fan - finales happen. Sometimes we may not be happy with the ride at the end, sometimes we don't like the twists and sometimes we don't get all the answers. It's hard to live with that but if you're breathing - you're living. It's hard, but you're also surviving. So you're doing something right. Somedays are just hard days.

Lately, I've been having a lot.
That's all.

I didn't ask..

.. and he didn't say.

I am.
And there's nothing more I can be.
Nothing follows. Full stop.
I just am.

Please don't ask for more.

We were the Kings and Queens of promise..

We were the victims of ourselves. Maybe the children of a lesser God between Heaven and Hell.

We stole our new lives through blood and pain in defense of our dreams.

I believe we do what we need to do to survive. I believe it's okay for us to hide away for a day and avoid the sun and judgemental eyes. I believe we can make mistakes and not talk about them. I believe ignoring certain things is completely acceptable. I believe you should not be penalized by those who know nothing of the situation.
I plead the fifth.

It's a whole new kind of pain at times, but an altogether familiar one. It's something that's been done with a thousand times before. A song sat on repeat. Everytime it hurts a little less, but when the finality of it hits the song seems to project until it's pounding in your ear drums. It wont stop.

I believe in what I believe. I believe there were a lot of unspoken words and meanings. I believe that it's hard. But I believe that this is permanent in my life of temporary. For the good of all those involved. There are many things I wish, many things that would be so much better if different. That's the funny thing about life. Overlooking what we have for the fantacies of what will never be. Choices were already made. Stick to your guns, it'll make you stronger.

I was doing so well..

I feel a weakness coming on
it's meant to be like this
not what I'd planned at all
I don't want to feel like this
so that makes it all your fault.

It's been a long long while blog world.
There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, so I'm going to make this a hands down, split open, heart spilling blog entry. Death is an extremely odd and very disconcerning thing to happen in ones life.
When it hits, it doesn't really hit.
When it's not meant to hit, it does. Hard.
Stages are a load of crap. There's no transitioning from one to the next. You don't wake up and think "hey, I'm going to move onto the angry stage now". No. At least not to me. It moves from one to the next as rapid as a flame, and can incorporate so many things your head starts spinning. Tonight for instance, 13 hour work day. No big deal. We all kept ourselves upbeat and laughed off the ignorant a-holes that tend to have a hankering for poisoning a few peoples work day. Everything was honky-dory and then out of no where it's difficult to breathe. That in and out movement that seems so effortless turns itself into something you solely focus on because all of a sudden it's not so easy.
The smallest thing can trigger any emotion. It's like a magic 8 ball. You're waiting for it and you're alright in limbo, then that answer shows up in that little window and that's how you feel in that moment.
At least that's how I view it.
I haven't sat down and cried for hours about anything in my life. It's not something I do. I find taking a day to do that is selfish and opens the door for a massive break down. I keep myself tightly bound. When I feel like I'm starting to uncoil I look in a mirror. As strange as that seems it keeps me together. I look at every bit of my face and feel the control in every muscle. I think about the future and imagine the millions of places I could be a year, two or ten from now. It works but it's a temporary fix. I don't believe in shrinks and filling strangers in on my innermost thoughts. Instead I write it out and even then its a paper thin skim of the surface.
I feel like if I wanted to I could drive the 3 hours and explode gunk all over people I feel deserving and even those I don't. I could loose my mind, my job, my apartment and myself. Instead I choose to tighten the muscles and smile the day away. It may not be easiest but it keeps me feeling like I'm still me.

I'm beginning to learn that when a parent dies, the harsh realization that half your dna, half the reason you're alive is no longer there. That's what makes your heart so heavy. Half of it just up and left. When it's out of left field- I'm finding it especially difficult to deal. I'm surrounded by a lot of smiles and friendly faces and yet all I want to do most of the time is shut down and drown myself in music. Typical, I know. But there really are some things that never change.

The major downside to all of this is the accusations and the hatred that comes alongside. The fact that anyone could make me doubt my own father and even how we related to each other. General understandings are no longer there, all because of a few petty words from a petty person. It really sucks. Forgiveness is something I work hard at grasping and it feels like when I understand how to do so and how to apply my theories something else happens that convinces me its best not to. Ties that were there before were there for a specific reason. There are a lot of things we dont particularly like or enjoy that happen in life, and we learn to accept it as "it is what it is". When that tie is gone, why is it the most traumatizing thing for some that those bonds were based on 'having to' rather then 'wanting to'? I didn't ask for a lot of things that I've learn to deal with in my life, and yet when that basic tie that is holding me to that situation is no longer there, why should I still deal with it? What if I don't want to? I know I've done some selfish things in my life but certain elements are missing for that natural long lasting bond.

I've been made out to feel like a terrible person before, that's no secret. I've made bad life decisions. We all have. I feel like being attacked for things that aren't even legitimate is just ridiculous. I am not a bad person and haven't made any bad decisions in a long time. And for some reason I have to keep convincing myself that "I'm not wrong."
That isn't right. For one person to make you doubt yourself - just ridiculous. The worst part is I'm letting it affect me. It's deep to the core and it's so hard to forget about certain things that were said. It's hard to think about the future. It's hard to think about stuff. So why do we choose to make it harder?

My plan was to just move on and to keep myself busy and I wasn't even granted that one. My values have shifted and there are times when I don't recognize the words I am speaking. It's like a completely different person just blurts it all out and then I'm left to apologizing for it. Maybe I am actually going crazy. I'd like to think this whole situation is a difficult one in the first place and it's just been made even more so by those involved. That all this is a completely natural turn of events.
Maybe death really does bring out the worst in people. Maybe I've been composed and shut down for so long that it's difficult to continue like that and one just starts cracking. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

I never asked to be in this position. Adding more weights to shoulders isn't going to help anyone along. I just wish it was different. So very very different.

I miss you.
More then anyone will ever know.

this second chancing is really getting me down..

Accountability has reared it's ugly head again.
I find there's so many ways we fall short of what we intend to be accountable.
To ourselves, significant others, family, friends. We are all tangled in it for so many different reasons to one another, but the most important of all these is to be accountable to ourselves.
When we loose hope of our own goals the biggest letdown is on our own shoulders. We allow others disappointment to join our own weights, but it's just a reason to allow us to fall to our knees. Others weight feels heaviest when we want to immerse ourselves into the blackest holes.
The knowledge of letting others down is so painful we hide in our guilt, our faults, and inevitably hide our failures. When they come out, the realization that we were dishonest and lost respect is enough to keep us in that black hole. It disappoints more then the failures itself. Accountability defines us. The lengths we're willing to go to show our true selves, better ourselves, how rooted our morals are. It all comes out in to what we hold ourselves accountable.
I haven't found a lot of motivation in helping others in a while, and in turn helping myself. I've found a tire swing and just stayed in limbo, swing around and enjoying the scenery. I would like to say it's my decision here and now to change and become more of what I should be, but I don't know if I can hold myself accountable to it. There's no harm in trying.

what about now...

what about today?

I have faith in the wind. It's direction changes every second. It has the power to push around the world. It's as indecisive as can be and I appreciate that.
I have faith that the winds of my chapter are changing. The same old isn't good enough anymore. It's now about the change. The new direction. What is being pushed and what is staying the same. I have the same old anxiety about things not changing, but I can sense it. Every inch of me is excited for what's ahead of me. Not one bit of me is sad about what's behind me. That can be mourned at a later date.
Just like I can sleep when I'm dead. I'm ready to rock and roll.

Maybe this is what being a grown up is all about. You turn a year older and suddenly when you don't like things you realize you have the resources and the knowledge to change it. Rather then getting angry you find a means. That part of being a grown up I can handle.

Bring it on world.
I got this.

if I could fall into the sky,

do you think time would pass me by.


Does life usually smack us in the face all at one time?
More then likely.
Big chapter,
big questions,
big faith.


Let's rock and roll space cowboys.


baby could you blow my heart up

If I haven't yet..

..gotta let you know - you're never going to be alone from this moment on.

"She gave them everything. Every little piece of her, chipped and shredded until all of her energy, her beauty, her love - it all went into this. She didn't regret a moment of it. I always felt like all my gratitude wasn't enough. He used to tell me they used to be a team. She created him just like she created us. She built him up, made him into what he is today. She was a fighter. She never stopped. The endless energy was enough to tear down a grown man, but not her. She couldn't stop. It's not for lack of wanting to, I'm sure given a chance she would sail the seas, drink tea in England, wander the cobbled streets of Paris. She didn't though, she stayed with us and gave up her dreams to create a beautiful life in her image. No picture was prettier, no book was better written, just like us, we were perfect even when we weren't. 'Impossible standards and coffee', people used to tell me that's what she was made of but I knew better. She had her dreams, but she kept them as just that. Whenever she blinked she saw the Eiffel Tower, or Big Ben and that's what kept her going. One day we would create dreams of our own and she would take him, the man she built up to never let down, and she would show him her dreams. After all, he owed her. He owed her big time. She devoted her life to everything he could possibly want, why wouldn't he want to see her, in all her beauty and glory, marveling at the structures of life she loved so much. Her skin shimmering in the glow of the lights. It will be a sight to see. I'm sorry I'll miss it."

Exactly.

some folks just have one..

.. others they got none
stay with me, let's just breathe


Slight glitch in the system. Brain needs to get out of overdrive, and accept what is directly infront of it.
Accept that this is such, and that there is no room for doubt. Assumptions cause problems, and to be completely honest, sans assumptions I am happier then I ever thought possible.
It blows my mind that the presence of one person can change everything. Change what matters and what doesn't.
It's all going at the speed of light but it seems to suit.

did I say that I need you
did I say that I want you,
if I didn't I'm a fool you see,
no one knows this more then me

A different shade of light

A blog I frequent not as often as I should has opened my mind to a new understanding.
Basically, in a nail head- everyone of us has doubted our talents.
We've all (or hopefully will) had the blessing of discovering something we are not only good at, but passionate about.
Have you ever stopped and thought "but maybe I'm not good enough?" You aren't alone in this.
There's always the doubt in your mind, the thought that someone else can do this better. That's what holds a lot of us back from being great, from being extraordinary. Sometimes we place that blame on someone else, or a greater reason. The blame never falls on the fact that it could just be cold. hard. doubt.
Based on the mass amount of communication the internet and tv has opened for us, we witness other peoples talents. There is an overload of talent that has been showed to us that we couldn't access twenty years ago.
There are bands that people idolize that 20 years ago were just playing in someones garage, there are artists that 20 years ago that drew in colouring books or napkins. There are books that 20 years ago were just words in a coffee shop jotted down on receipts. Society has changed, but our talents haven't.

After much thought I have pinpointed and accepted that yes, doubt is exactly what has been holding me back. There are always billions of what ifs we can come up with. Recognizing is the first step, what you do with that recognition is what defines you and makes you who you are.

What's holding you back? I encourage you to delve deeper.

All night long, said, all night long..

I been thinking about how to get your clothes on the floor.

Eloquent writing is a hard trick to master. It takes more then just skill and more then just practice. It's the ability to tell tales in a way that appeals to everyone. There are very few eloquent writers in this world. There are very few funny writers in the world. No one is going to like or appreciate everything you write, but there comes a time where you just have to tell the world to shove it and do what you love anyway.


she said "I don't you boy, I just wanna save you while there's still something left to save"
that's when I told her "I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have."


If you don't like it. Don't read it.
simple.